Insolitus Puniceus Maris Bestia
by SCEWT
Summary: Mulder began to recall a horribly vivid dream about a purple tortoise, some random Asian woman in a tunic, Scully orgasming or did she just sneeze? and ice cream... One night in the forfilled life of Fox Mulder...RIDICULOUS! RUN AND HIDE! SERIOUSLY!


**Ok before you read this 'thing':**

**_WARNING I was really bored when I wrote this so I asked a few people for a set of guidelines that I had to follow in writing it. So this story intentionally has: a. no plot b. at least one fart joke c. the word 'orgasm' d. a purple turtle e. it had to be fairly OOC f. a James Cameron movie reference or two g. a phone call h. ice cream and finally, i. it had to revolve around Mulders butt!! ROFLLLL!_**

**See if you can spot them!**

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Shield your children's eyes! There are lots of 'quick scene changes' – think Simpson's, Scrubs and Family Guy. Hahaha, no seriously read it anyway and then review it and bash me and my terrible writing skills!! I would also like to say that this is not one of those random things that people write when they're bored…its vomit…sheer and utter vomit…**

**By the way the name, I****nsolitus Puniceus Maris Bestia, is latin for 'strange purple sea beast' - you'll get it later!**

* * *

Mulder stumbled into the bar, half drunk already. He wasn't sure exactly why he was drunk; it had just seemed like a good plan when he'd come across the first of many liquor stores tonight.

He dragged his two left feet, or maybe he had two right feet – well he'd never gone with the crowd before – so two right feet it was! Hey, wait a minute… isn't that only for dancing? Mulder giggled to himself and he stumble up to the counter and plonked his butt in a big cushy stool. As he sat down it made a squeaking noise, quite similar to the expelling of gas – a couple of the other bar patrons looked at the drunken man in disgust. Mulder giggled again.

"Hey buddy!" he yelled to the man next to him, "did you just hear a reeeeal loooud fart?!" Without replying the man, who was wearing a neat business suit and tie, simply turned his nose up and looked away, as if Mulder wasn't even there. In one final attempt to capture the man's attention Mulder made an extremely loud farting noise with his mouth. This final act of lude behaviour tipped the bar manager over the edge.

Mulder looked around. His arse hurt.

"What the hell am I doing on the pavement?" he asked himself out loud. A couple of hookers pacing the street made an effort to avoid him. Mulder was annoyed. He was young! He was wild! He wasn't afraid of STD's!

"Yeah, you better run away! I would'a given you some sugar, Sugar!" he slurred, pointing to one of them. Turning to the other, he called out again, "and you missed out on some seriously honey, Honey!" He blew a raspberry.

It was time for another bar! decided the awesome Mr. Mulder. Yes that was fitting, thought Mulder, he _was_ quite awesome. He used what he thought was a tree to pull himself back to his feet. He'd already walked a few paces down the street when he realised that it had been the man from the last bar.

"Fart Man!" cheered Mulder. Fart Man didn't look too happy.

Rubbing his now very bruised and sore backside, Mulder pushed the door to his next bar open. At least that was his intention, he pushed and he pushed – but the damn thing didn't budge. Then the thought occurred to him to _pull_ the door. As he did it swung open towards him. He went a pleasant shade of pink, hoping that nobody else had seen. As he slumped, now moodily, across the room he tripped on something halfway to the bar and went flying into the air. His face smashed into the ground and he screeched like a little girl.

He turned to look behind him, without standing up. Ambling slowly across the middle of the floor was a large, bright purple tortoise. The creature also seemed to be emitting a faint humming noise as it walked. Mulder was shocked that nobody else was looking at this peculiar thing…it was just siting there, right in the open, humming, being all purple…and tortoisey! What was it? – an alien probe sent from outer space to spy on mankind? A new kind of cryptyzoological beast perhaps? Mulder didn't know, and he didn't care either – NO MATTER WHAT – THIS WAS AN X-FILE!!

Noticing that he was getting too caught up in his little X-Files glory, he turned back around to capture the mysterious, possibly evil, tortoise. But it was gone. Not a purple tortoise in sight or even a normal coloured tortoise for that matter. He walked up to a short, pudgy, blonde lady and poked her hard in the side.

"OUCH!" she said and looked up at Mulder, immediately getting lost in his eyes.

"Can I help you…Sexy?" she asked, pulling her best seductive face.

Mulder was confused, by both her face and the tortoise, "Sexy? No – I'm Spooky, and did you just see a buzzing, purple tortoise disappear lady?" he asked.

"Erm…no" she said, losing interest slightly. She started to slide away, back towards her friends "I, uh, have to meet someone…" she said unconvincingly. Mulder waved merrily. What a nice lady, he thought, I hope she enjoys her date!

Almost forgetting entirely about the tortoise, he decided that it would be a good idea to call someone for advice…hhhmmmm… Scully! He blindly keyed her phone number into his phone, it only ringing twice before someone picked up.

"Hello? This is Bunny!" said the voice of an Asian woman.

"Scully?" asked Mulder suspiciously

"Eh?"

"Scully – do you have a cold? Tell me!"

"Eh? What? I tell you every'tiiing"

"What the hell – Scully?!"

"Hell? Awwe – you have fresh moooouth!"

"Your not Scully!" said Mulder. "Put Scully on!" he demanded.

"No!" said the woman

"Please! She is short and has red hair!"

"She look'a like'a man!"

"NO SHE DOESN'T" yelled Mulder, finally hearing Scully's voice in the background.

"Scully!!" called Mulder, hoping that she would hear him. A short scuffle could be heard on the line, mixed with various swear word on the Asian woman's behalf.

Eventually Scully began to talk, "Mulder? God, some crazy, fat little Asian woman in a weird tunic dress thing just took my cell!"

"Awe poor Scully monster!" cooed Mulder, in what he thought was a nice voice.

"Mulder – are you drunk? I can almost smell the whiskey through the phone!" she said in her usual harsh voice.

"No! Obcoursenot" he explained, the last sentence merging into one big incoherent blob. He heard her make a loud noise. Mulder was shocked!

"SCULLY!" he yelled, getting very excited "did you just orgasm?"

Silence ensued. Then finally she spoke, Mulder's heart was pumping a million miles an hour.

"Mulder, I sneezed" Her voice was so blunt it almost knocked him out. Then again, in his current state, it wouldn't take a whole lot to knock him out cold…

"Oh…" he said, disappointed.

"Just go home, and call me tomorrow!" she said in a very chilly tone.

Mulder snapped his phone shut and walked up to the bar in a huff, not sitting down because his bottom was too tender right now. Just as he was about to order another drink a woman came up and stood next to him, a feisty grin on her tiny face.

"Hey – don't I know you from somewhere?" asked Mulder

"No. I just meet ooo" said the woman, who was now, evidently, Asian.

"Gee I've had quite a night" explained Mulder sleepily; the effects of litres of alcohol now beginning to ware off.

"Oh me too!" said the woman, "Some crazy bitch steal my new phone!"

Mulder was feeling nice, "you wanna talk about it?"

"Sure, sure – I tell you every'tiiinng"

"On second thoughts -" suggested the kind FBI agent, "do you wanna go get some ice cream?"

"Ok!" said the woman,

"But only if you pay!" and they walked out of the bar together.

The next morning Mulder jolted awake as thought someone had just sent 10,000 volts thought his body. He rubbed his face painfully, OH GOD, he thought, not remembering a second of what he had done last night. Then he began to recall a horribly vivid dream about a purple tortoise, Scully orgasming, some Asian woman in a tunic and ice cream.

Shuddering in disgust, glad that it was just a dream, he rolled over to get out of bed.

"Heeeyy hott stuuuff! You don't remember last night – I do! I tell you every'tiiinng!"

* * *

**Day-um! I rest my case...hey - it's 2:28 in the morning!! I also wanted to add that the asian lady is Ms. Bunny Swan from MadTV. She's so funny. Look her up on YouTube!! BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.**


End file.
